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joke bot lol
Author: cmcunt30
Description Source Code Launch Bot Current Users
Created by: Cmcunt30
There is 1 other version of this script.
/*
  Application: JokeBot
  Developer: anonymous
  Version: 1.0 (24/12/2020)
  Version: 1.1 (26/12/2020) - added some more jokes
  Version: 1.2 (26/02/2020) - no changes, just saved as a bot (see RCD Jokes for app).
  Version: 1.3 (27/02/2020) - allowed higher price per joke.
  Description: Tip to reveal jokes.
  Thanks: to the author of the CB-TestBed https://yyanx.github.io/CB-TestBed/

  Written as a Christmas present for Lizzy to make her feel a little less sad ;-)
*/

var duck_jokes = [
    "What do ducks like to watch on television?  Documentaries!",
    "What do you call a thief duck?  A rubber ducky!",
    "Which side of a duck has the nicest feathers?  The outside!",
    "Where do ducks go when they feel ill?  To the ducktor.",
    "Why did the duck get arrested?  For selling quack.",
    "When do ducks wake up?  At the quack of dawn.",
    "What has webbed feet and fangs?  Count Duckula!",
    "Why do ducks fly south for the winter?  It's too far to waddle.",
    "Why do ducks quack?  Because they can't oink, bark, or moo.",
    "What do ducks eat with cheese?  Quackers.",
];

var bear_jokes = [ // Yes, I know koalas are not bears...
    "What do you call a toothless bear?  A gummy bear!",
    "What sort of bears become dentists?  Molar bears.",
    "What type of bears enjoy dancing in the rain?  Drizzly bears.",
    "How do bears stay fit?  They do bearobics.",
    "Why didn't the teddy bear want any dessert?  He was already stuffed.",
    "Why do polar bears have fur coats?  They'd look weird in ski jackets.",
    "Why do panda bears love watching classic movies?  They're black and white.",
    "Why do panda bears always create trouble?  They like causing pandamonium.",
    "What do koalas drink?  Coca Koala.",
    "Why wasn't the possum allowed to be a koala?  It didn't have the necessary koalafications.",
];

var dino_jokes = [
    "How can you tell if a stegosaurus is hiding in your refrigerator?  The door won't close.",
    "What type of dinosaur might be blind?  Do-you-think-he-saurus.",
    "Which dinosaur has the best vocabulary?  A thesaurus.",
    "Which dinosaurs could jump higher than a house?  All of them - houses can't jump.",
    "Why did the dinosaur cross the road?  Chickens hadn't evolved yet.",
    "What makes more noise than a dinosaur?  Two dinosaurs.",
    "What do you call a stegosaurus with carrots in its ears?  Whatever you like - it won't be able to hear you.",
    "What do you call a dinosaur that sleeps all day?  A dino-snore.",
    "What do you get when the colour of your shirt causes a triceratops to charge at you?  You get out of its way!",
    "What is the T-Rex's least favourite sport?  Arm wrestling.",
];

var cat_jokes = [
    "Why do kittens always get what they want?  They are purr-suasive.",
    "What is the cat's favourite colour?  Purrple.",
    "What is the cat's favourite dessert?  Chocolate mouse.",
    "What is the cat's favourite breakfast cereal?  Mice crispies.",
    "Why shouldn't you play poker on the savannah?  Too many cheetahs.",
    "Did you hear about the feline disaster?  It was a catastrophe!",
    "What do you call a cat which is good on the piano?  A meowsician!",
    "What do you call a cat which does sleight of hand tricks?  A meowgician!",
    "What sort of clothes do stylish cats where?  Haute cature.",
    "Where do you find cat archaeologists?  In the meowseum.",
];

var other_jokes = [
    "One wind turbine asked the other: 'What's your favourite kind of music?'  The other replied: 'I'm a huge metal fan.'",
    "One cow asked the other: 'Do you ever worry about mad cow disease?'  The other replied: 'Heck no, because I'm a helicopter!'",
    "Where can you find a cow with no legs?  Wherever you left it.",
    "Why don't you ever see hippopotamuses hiding in trees?  They must be really good at it...",
    "Why did the hippopotamus become a rapper?  He was a hip-hop-apotamus.",
    "Why shouldn't you start a war with an octopus?  They're well armed.",
    "How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?  Ten-tickles!",
    "What did the shark say to the swordfish?  'You're looking sharp!'",
    "What's pink and hard?  A pig with a face-tattoo and a flick-knife.",
    "What's a foot long and slippery?  A slipper!",
    "What's pink and slippery?  Pink slippers!",
    "What's brown and sticky?  A stick.",
    "Why don't prawns share their food?  They're shellfish.",
    "What do you call a penguin in the Sahara Desert?  Lost.",
    "What did one wall say to the other?  'I'll meet you at the corner.'",
    "What has four wheels and flies?  A garbage truck.",
    "Why is elephant skin so wrinkly?  Because they get angry if you try to iron them.",
    "What do you call an elephant which doesn't matter?  Irrelephant.",
    "What did the zero say to the eight?  'Nice belt!'",
    "What is a witch's favourite class in school?  Spelling.",
    "What is a robot's favourite snack?  Computer chips!",
    "Which breed of dog can do magic tricks?  The Labracadabrador.",
    "What did the banana say to the monkey?  Nothing - bananas cannot talk.",
    "How do pirates know they are pirates?  They think, therefore they yarrrrr.",
    "What has 8 arms, 8 legs, and 8 eyes?  Eight pirates.",
    "What do you call a pirate with 2 eyes and 2 legs?  Rookie.",
    "What is a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet?  Arrrrr!  Or maybe the sea...",
    "What lies on the bottom of the sea and twitches?  A nervous wreck.",
    "What is orange and sounds like a parrot?  A carrot.",
    "What do vegan zombies eat?  Grains.",
    "Who did the zombie take to the dance?  His ghoul-friend.",
    "What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?  Frostbite.",
    "What kind of shoes to ninjas wear?  Sneakers!",
    "What do you call a curious alligator wearing a vest?  An investigator!",
    "Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?  In case he got a hole in one.",
    "What is the king of all stationery?  The ruler!",
    "Where do frogs keep their money?  The river bank!",
    "Why don't cannibals eat comedians?  They taste funny.",
    "Why should you buy socks with holes in them?  So that you can put your feet in them.",
    "How did the hipster burn his tongue?  He drank his coffee before it was cool...",
    "How did the barista interpret the yawn?  As a silent scream for coffee.",
    "Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?  If they fell forward they'd fall into the boat.",
];

var jokes = duck_jokes.concat(bear_jokes).concat(dino_jokes).concat(cat_jokes).concat(other_jokes);
var seen = [];

// Seed and PRNG to ensure that we don't constantly repeat the same joke order
var seed = (new Date()).getUTCMilliseconds();
function mulberry32(a) {
    return function() {
        var t = a += 0x6D2B79F5;
        t = Math.imul(t ^ t >>> 15, t | 1);
        t ^= t + Math.imul(t ^ t >>> 7, t | 61);
        return ((t ^ t >>> 14) >>> 0) / 4294967296;
    }
}
function getRandomIndex(min, max) {
    seed += 1;
    var random = Math.floor(mulberry32(seed)() * (1+max-min)) + min;
    return random % (1+max);
}

function chooseJoke(broadcaster, user, message) {
    var isDuckJoke  = message.indexOf('duck')  != -1;
    var isBearJoke  = message.indexOf('bear')  != -1;
    var isDinoJoke  = message.indexOf('dino')  != -1;
    var isCatJoke   = message.indexOf('cat')   != -1;
    var isOtherJoke = message.indexOf('other') != -1;

    var minJokeIndex = isDuckJoke  ? 0
                     : isBearJoke  ? (duck_jokes.length)
                     : isDinoJoke  ? (duck_jokes.length + bear_jokes.length)
                     : isCatJoke   ? (duck_jokes.length + bear_jokes.length + dino_jokes.length)
                     : isOtherJoke ? (duck_jokes.length + bear_jokes.length + dino_jokes.length + cat_jokes.length)
                     : 0;
    var maxJokeIndex = isDuckJoke  ? (minJokeIndex +  duck_jokes.length - 1)
                     : isBearJoke  ? (minJokeIndex +  bear_jokes.length - 1)
                     : isDinoJoke  ? (minJokeIndex +  dino_jokes.length - 1)
                     : isCatJoke   ? (minJokeIndex +   cat_jokes.length - 1)
                     : isOtherJoke ? (minJokeIndex + other_jokes.length - 1)
                     : jokes.length - 1;

    var random = getRandomIndex(minJokeIndex, maxJokeIndex);
    var joke = "" + user + " tells " + broadcaster + " joke #";
    if (seen.includes(random)) {
        // choose any un-used joke
        var foundUnseen = false;
        for (var i = minJokeIndex; i <= maxJokeIndex; ++i) {
            if (!seen.includes(i)) {
                foundUnseen = true;
                seen.push(i);
                joke += (i+1) + ": " + jokes[i];
                break;
            }
        }

        if (!foundUnseen) {
            // all jokes (of this type) have been told.  just show the original one.
            joke += (random+1) + ": " + jokes[random];
        }
    } else {
        // unseen joke.
        joke += (random+1) + ": " + jokes[random];
        seen.push(random);
    }

    seen.sort(function(a, b){return a-b});
    return joke;
}

cb.settings_choices = [
    {name: 'price', type: 'int', minValue: 1, maxValue: 1001, label: 'Price per joke', defaultValue: 55}
];

cb.changeRoomSubject('Jokes! /r to see the rules');

cb.onTip(function (tip) {
    var tipAmount = parseInt(tip['amount']);
    if (tipAmount < cb.settings.price) return;
    var joke = chooseJoke(cb.room_slug, tip['from_user'], tip['message']);
    cb.sendNotice(joke, '', '#CCFFCC', '#000000', 'bold');
    cb.drawPanel();
});

cb.onEnter(function (user) {
    var notices = "";
    notices += "Welcome, "  + user['user'] + "! We are telling our gorgeous hostess Jokes!";
    notices += "\nTip " + cb.settings.price + " tokens to tell her a joke!";
    notices += "\nSay duck / bear / dino / cat / other in a tip-note to specify the type of joke!";
    notices += "\nType /r to see these rules again";
    cb.sendNotice(notices, user['user'], '', '#FF6600', 'bold');
});

cb.onMessage(function(msg) {
    if(msg['m'].match(/\/r/i)) {
        msg['X-Spam'] = true;
        var notices = "";
        notices += "Hi, "  + msg['user'] + "! We are telling our gorgeous hostess Jokes!";
        notices += "\nTip " + cb.settings.price + " tokens to tell her a joke!";
        notices += "\nSay duck / bear / dino / cat / other in a tip-note to specify the type of joke!";
        notices += "\nType /r to see these rules again";
        cb.sendNotice(notices, msg['user'], '', '#FF6600', 'bold');
    }

    return msg;
});

cb.onDrawPanel(function (user) {
    return {
        'template': '3_rows_11_21_31',
        'row1_value': 'Tip to make ' + cb.room_slug + ' smile',
        'row2_value': 'Jokes told: ' + seen.length + ' of ' + jokes.length,
        'row3_value': 'Type /r to see the rules',
    };
});